Thursday, August 22, 2013

The Third Wheel

That's what I am feeling like lately.
The Third Wheel.
O.C. fans out there?
It's like that episode where Ryan feels like the third wheel with Marissa & Oliver
Or when Kristen Wiigs character in bridesmaids doesn't get to sit by Maya Rudolph but the other chick does.
Anywho, so here are a few reasons why.
I grew up in a big family.
2 sisters
2 brothers
My sisters shared a bedroom growing up because they are only 14months apart in age.
Obviously my 2 brothers shared a room because they are male.
My sisters each had each other as their maid of honors for their weddings.
I was put as the last person in the line of bridesmaids.
So partially to be vindictive I did the same in my wedding.
They also have 2 daughters each around the same age.
I've always felt left out being the youngest sister. The need to fit in, relate, and wanting to be included. I realize that this sounds so dumb but it's something I will always struggle with.
(ask my husband, lol)
I also feel that way with friends.
Maybe this is in part to do how I felt growing up with my sisters but I feel like when I make someone a friend and I make them a priority that the feelings should go both ways.
There isn't a thing I wouldn't do for my friends.
Sometimes when all your friends get together do you ever notice that people break off in to mini groups? Or you ever feel like the third wheel in a group of friends?
I feel I always put my friends feelings, thoughts, problems, etc. before mine.
It hurts when it doesn't go both ways.
I hate the feeling of being left out.
I guess its selfish to ask friends not to do things with out you.
For instance, you want to have a get together but the date doesn't work for you?
Don't have it till it works for everyone.
Selfish? idk.
I guess I just wish that the people I love and care about most treated me the way I treat them.
I just want someone to call me their best friend, confidant, etc.
To know that I would do anything for them and hope they would do the same.
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  1. Aw, boo, sorry you're feeling this way. Sad post :(

    Jealousy and feeling like the third wheel is never fun. Relationships with friends + family are already so complex that when you throw an issue like jealousy in it makes for some rough waters to navigate. I totally get where you’re coming from!

    When we give our friendship or love to someone we also give them an important place in our lives so it can be very hurtful when they don’t act the way we expect them to or feel like they should. But that’s always when we get into trouble. We can only change and manage our own actions not theirs. Unfortunately, too often, our expectations don’t align with their behavior. And we get disappointed and uneasy and jealous and annoyed. It’s hard to step back and accept them for who they are. But we've gotta do it and try to maintain reasonable expectations for the people we have relationships with. We’re all human. We all get jealous. We all feel left out from time to time and at some point we will all leave someone out from time to time too, often unintentionally.

    The human social experience sure is a messy one. :)

    I think sometimes for the sake of sanity - you just have to lower your expectations, accept your family/friends as they are, and enjoy their company regardless…or cut ‘em loose. I mean those are kind of your only two options right?

    And at the same time, focus on finding a balance between making your relationships a priority or making YOU a priority. Putting your friends/family first all the time isn't healthy. You gotta do you and devote some energy back to yourself  I guarantee that your friends and family do this / focus on themselves, their own interests, their own friends, their own adventures. So you should too! Find things to do and new people to hang out with OUTSIDE of your closest relationships. You will be much happier – variety is the spice of life :)

    I also loved these two quotes and hope they help find you some peace and clarity as your battling with these feelings:

    Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point – that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative – self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it’s a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them. ~Jennifer James

    In regard to friendships: Avoid expectations. If you assume you know what best friends' roles are, you can find yourself getting disappointed and frustrated. Best friends are the most valuable friends you have, but they can't help or support you in every aspect of your life. Do not expect them to always be there, or expect them to say the thing you want to hear. If you set expectations for your best friends that are too high, it will only leave you disappointed and defeated. Don’t let expectations bring you down! Love your friends as they are and voice your feelings if your needs are not being met. No one is a mind-reader and communication is key in any relationship.

  2. All of this, yes. Just an amazing post Katie, really. xoxo